Friendship Woes/Foes..Whatever!!!!

This is a terrible day… just so terribleeeeee!!! I feel so depressed I’m on the verge of tears. I just need some comfort, some warmth and some TRUE friends around.( Yeah I sound pathetically clichéd) Not peripheral ones who are more of a bane to your existence than any solace. Those who actually sincerely care, rather than being such self-centered, self-righteous, “ I never ever do anything wrong” kinda self-absorbed cockroaches.

I regret so many decisions, (talking of which I’m sure we all have a thousand regrets in our life right) but mostly I regret beleiveing that ‘friendship’ ( for the lack of a better word) could make everything else less tedious or cumbersome. BIG MISTAKE!!!!! Friendship is not = similar thinking/working styles. Some people can think so highly of themselves it sucks, they have such crappy excuses for just about anything in the world. “I cant do this … cos my freaking dog ate my ability to reason.” , “ I cant say that to him…cos I left my brain in the toilet” Gees whatever.

Alright I know I am not exactly the most sensible person on the planet right now.. I’m freezing in this goddamn air-con lab and my mood’s just taken a 180 degree swerve for the worst. Arghhh ..Such A Piece of shit! So what if they are the brainiest organisms on the planet. Be a nuclear waste scientist or a psycho doctor or a whatever, who cares? When all you essentially are, is a goddamn opportunist out on a free ride and chances for shopping sprees, F*uck you and the stupid attitude of yours.

I’ve tolerated enough of this ego-centric shit and this acting like you are in control, its high time I stopped putting up with all this shit and just put you in your rightful place.

Ok enough! Damn I sound like one angsty bitch, which I probably am at this moment, given that some twit has the God-given talent to turn my otherwise pleasant day into a real emotional mess.

Oh btw I do realize Karen is about the only person that reads my blog….so my dear karennnnnnnnn dun mind my crappiness, cos I’m just terribly disappointed with an idiot and pls do not in the least even speculate that it could be you, cos given your goondu tendencies I know you might conjure up something as bizarrely nincompoopy as that in your lala brain.

Oh well I’m going to leave now, cos my stupid brain just realized it is not even worth wasting time and effort clicking away about such Idiotic specimens of nature. ! Sigh off to my freaking 5.30 pm class…

Alcoholic Deliverance

9th October 2004
2.59 am

Sweet German Snifter @ OKTOBERFEST

Woozy woozy woozy……..my eyes are fuzzy and I’m ever so sleepyyy, freaking 700 ml has this effect on me…hoo hee hoo…woo hoo…no grammatical coherence and general development of content, lack of conciseness and prevalent grammatical errors might prevail, but pay no attention to these abovementioned characteristics as I believe I’m in a state to be excused from any form of intelligible writing..

Oktoberfest was cool, German beer is sweettttttt. Nice, I’m not a beer girl, but it was palatable enough for even fussy me (oh btw my wasted brain wonders if palatable can be used for liquids? Oh well screw accuracy. Who cares???).doo dee doo…was cool hanging out with my Lit tutor (man we wish all teachers were this coollllll isn’t it. I know!) and the rest of my zany bunch of classmates, Caroline, Kevin (so cuteeeee..haha…”need da feeling” to pee), Sharm and Adrian, Audrey and gang…stayed not for long but I enjoyed hanging out with a new bunch…walking here and there in city link and Kevin and Sheels constantly changing their minds about taxi, bus or train…and they settled for the nation’s favorite form of sardine packing device…drumrolllllllll ..MRT Ofcos..

Aiyah I’m talking cock la…better just shut up and go to sleep, I wish I got drunk..miss the feeling of feeling tipsy…its funny la…hoo hoo. Ok ok enough crapping.tata.Good afternoon ppl..Have a nice day...Sweet dreams…Bye

Ohhhh I forgot to say something. It was Oktoberfest. Apparently a German thingy (If I’m not wrong) and saw like 3.5 Germans or whatever they are, in the club. Weird ah. Anyways just thot I’d mention it. Ok. Bye again.

Shaleni

Elegy to a Reverie

7th October 2004
12.22 a.m.

Its one of those nights when I’m feeling unexplainably exhausted and immeasurably troubled. The incomparable urge to crawl into bed tugs at me to go get lost in the sheets and be transported to a distant land of dreams and never- ending siesta…yet there’s this impalpable magic floating in the air, as I watch the moonlight dance across a seamless black vastness, feeling your breath on my face. It’s sweet misery and dream-making all over again. Like every other day. Why do I do this? Scribble, scrabble, ramble and rant, fumble and spew rubbish to no end.Building ice-cream castles in the air, idling my consciousness away to my wit’s end. Music for company and misery’s my shadow.

“Will I ever spread my wings and learn how to fly”,

or just stumble and crumble upon this till I die?

Teach me how to breakaway, to take a risk, take a chance, to lose myself to uncertainty! and in the vain hope that I’ll make a change and live my life. “Dreaming of what could be and if I’ll end up happy, out of the darkness and into the sun.” Live my life or lose myself in this battle of choice. Built my life around you, how do I fly away? I forget my wings are clipped and broken, bent and bruised, so I wobble away slowly, but surely!

“I had to find you, tell you I need you, and tell you I set you APART. Tell me your secrets, nurse me your questions. COME LET’S GO BACK to START!!!”

Shaleni

The Temporal Shell

October 2, 2004
11. 07 pm


This momentary existence, the being and the leaving of it. The unpredictability, the smiles, the tears, the friends, and the foes we leave behind one day when immortality and a bigger permanence consumes us. We came, we saw and we leave behind our cherished ones, and some aching hearts maybe, if we’re lucky enough. As fragments etched in some sorry heart’s memories.

“ Nothing in life is as permanent as the leaving of it.”
Ode to Uncle Samuel

I never got the chance to know you all so intimately, and yet I feel the pain of your passing. My sorry mind remembers all the times you constantly had such a gracious smile and hearty laugh to share with all. The kindness in your eyes and the warmth of your heart, it still lingers strongly in my memory. All the Christmases in your home, all the gifts and presents, the fun and laughter we all shared. Most importantly your gentle words of wisdom, your encouraging gestures, my heart weeps for your loved ones, where tears fail.

The pain of loss, the permanence of it, the point of no return. To grow to love someone, and they become a part of you, and one day get ripped away from your life without warning, you stand there stranded, lost, sucked into a vortex of darkness and pain. I can sense the shock in aunt and her crippling suffering. I felt stunned, lost for words, what could I possibly say to ease her pain? What could anyone say?

Demise is immobilizing, let alone when it’s sudden and unprecedented. As I write this, your smile, my mental picture of it, keeps flashing in my mind. I can’t swallow this truth still. How can someone walk out of life this swiftly, it baffles me beyond reason. What urgency could the ones above have to call you to their side in such an intense hurry?

I can’t help but feel for you wife and sons. Their agony, and their hurt, the internal hell that they must be going through. Why are we bestowed with such a curse? The blight of FEELING. Regardless of whether its happiness or sadness, joy or pain! Is emotion a human infliction?

“Why give us a heart and the power to sense emotion? Why?
If in the end you only fill us with distraught and inflictions.
I wander as I wonder, about the value of this mortal life?
Are we but mere puppets in the creator’s eye?
Pulling each string as he deems right.
You were a candle that was snubbed too early,

and robbed of its light!”

I pray for your soul tonight, on this night that I bring a heavy heart to bed, one heaving with much dismay and anguish. God knows, my prayers aren’t frequent, but today I do that for you, for your blessed heart and the sweet memories of your brief yet memorable presence in my life.I thank God for gracing me with your being, in the days that you walked this smaller world of mortals and lesser glories. And I pray that your sweet soul shall be in peace and “Dwell in the house of the LORD forever” and ever!

And hold faith that you will be shining your blessings down upon us from a painless paradise

Truly Disheartened

Clock......

It's tickin' away and I'm at Karen's PC tappin' away....I can almost never get myself to bed , the time I always plan to ...me and my grandiose shit plans..sheesh..soon my eyebags will be sweeping the grounds of NIE..yucks..bad idea...My neck is hurtin bad...but Karen gave me a mini-massage...felt good...Clocks playin in the background...Chris Martin.......so cuteee...hmmm..Aiyo i can't take this much longer I'm gona hit the sack now..jus got off yahoo with sid...he's a real wacko...funny guy ..:)...ok tomo then..Lator Gator ! and lets hope I dream of angels and fluffy clouds and floatin on them ( more like sinking into them..my heavyass butt and all)...ahh LALA Land here I come.......

the Sweetest one..

Spencie
(the sweetest thing anyone has written for me ..thanks for writing me such a beautiful poem Spencer...I hold it forever close to my heart)

3rd October 2003

10.16pm

"I lay awake, lonely and cold, wishing to be near you.
Our hearts used to be broken, used to beat with little worry,
But now, our hearts are one, they beat with passion's fury,

From the moment I met you, I knew this was true.

Knew it was fate, that brought me to you,

My heart calls out to you, whispers your name,

My light, my love, Mi Vida you are all that is dear...

I need you my sweet, my love for you forever true,

I hold a rose to place in your hair, hold a ring to place on your finger,

Though it is cold at night, and the phantoms linger,

I will wait for you, will wait for the light,

Will hold the rose, will hold it tight,

The rose, just like you, is my heavenly flower...

Though the road is long, I will not wander,

I will follow my path, home to you arms,

Though the road is full of troubles,

You are my solace, my home...

We will be together soon, my dear, my love.

I will hold you close, and we will watch the stars..

Past hurts and troubles, we'll heal together,

I'll hold you close, your lips to mine,

We'll be together, and things will be fine.

I leave you now, hoping that a smile has graced your lips,

I'm waiting for you, will be waiting, until I can hold you,

Waiting for dreams, and promises, and hopes to come true..."

anticipation

I am sitting here frantically trying to pen down the quick succession of thoughts that cross my mind. My fingers fail me, where my mind is a supersonic jet it seems, yeah at all the wrong times…bummer! I think I am well on the path to becoming another blog addict..All thanks to the lurvelyyyyyyy Karen who has once again set the aspirin’ writer on fire…let it consume me baby…the mind’s obsession with perfection…

I miss praveeennnnnnnn..heard “Aisha”…miss him so damn much….the sweetest boy that’ll ever be. My sweet darling Praveen baby…..been so long since I saw him…the Vellai Raasa…

Just realised what a sob sappy piece of shit I am. Looking at all my previous posts, ppl r gona think I’m some kinda severe, manic depressed in dire need of Prozac…whatever happened to my writing…I sound like a premature pre-schooler..Maybe I should leave this for a better time..when my brain’s on mature mode…haha

Saturday...

Each night, looking at your picture I wish so hard that u would come back, turn around, and say something. That u miss me, or love me, or that u’re sorry. Just something. Anything, to fill this emptiness. This deep-down sinister quietness. The fear I feel of myself.

I run away from nothing but my own heart. Run away from my own love. That which I daringly denied. I wonder if u want me like I want you, whether u need me like I need you. Or am I standing still with you passing me by.

Every inch of my being tries to reach out for you. Every movie, every song, each and every fleeting moment emphasizes the broken-down me. I’ve come undone, entirely undone. In mind and soul. I run away, hide and pretend that I’m strong yet inside I know I’m crumbling down. Falling apart. If tears were worth a penny each, you would find wealth to last a lifetime, in me. Each tear I shed, in each one an eternity’s worth of where I keep u within me.....

What do I do ?

Tuesday, 17th January 2003
1.11 am

Do they really love you like they say they do? As if their lives would be over the moment you walked away. But only it never really seems that way.

Why the indifference ? The lethargy , the thoughtless ways.

What do you do when ignorance hits you hard in the face? When you fall flat and there’s dirt all over you. When every thing is trivial and dismissed away like it never mattered. Where every promise is made only to be broken. Ethereal in its unrealized gloom!
What do you do when you feel you give much much more, each time, to get nothing in return. Gracious helping of hurts and generous betrothals of demise.
What do you do when you are plagued with insecurities? Of impending doom and catastrophic conclusions.
Sometimes all you need to feel heard is a computer keyboard and the recurrent tapping of your soul. At least you feel you're being heard.
When no theory is foolproof and each new start leads back to mission impossible. What do you do when you’re bordering on futility and despair? When you feel ignored and unimportant.
What do you when you are sparkling with an ensemble of the priciest words man could afford? Filled with deceit, deception and decadency. Words which bear no comfort nor company!
When you ache to distinguish games from reality, Facade from factuality! When the love you thought is all perfect and rosy seems more of thorns that lie beneath perfumed petals of softness.



What do I do to make you care, to listen, to feel what goes on in me, to know that I yearn, to understand that I’m ordinary too. To realize you feel so sick you just don’t want to fight. To look at yourself one day and say you’ve got nothing to show for everything you have put into something.

What do I do to know you are really there??????????????....


“ Fashionably sensitive but too cool to CARE... I’m sorry I’ve mistaken you for somebody else..somebody who gave a DAMN..somebody more like myself ! ”
- - JEWEL

Quagmire

Sitting here broken and devastated by a catastrophe I don’t even know if I really am going to be the victim of. Torn, used and totally recyclable…suppressed feelings, the lost sense- of –being, all show themselves in long-overdue trickles…a mocking voice,” its these times you remember me.” Guilt does prick but solace is what my heart needs!

If only disregarding it was as easy as I suddenly try to convert my principles, inside cheapness and worthlessness engulf. Why??? So long, so strong. One moment and its all gone. All in a moment none too significant even…Trust and Assurance, mythical qualities of the ancient times???..

3 weeks of the last glimmers of hope flicker torturously in the very last bouts of breath that my imagination provides. Pain and despair take over, pricking a dying part of me…gone forever into the abyss of uncertainty..

Starting to wonder if music aggravates the memory of the very things I struggle to forget, or it jus helps in the transition. For this scenario of sitting in front typing my pain and tears away , with the music player working in the background , sombre music wallowing away jus a feeling of dejavu , one too familiar.

Issues I’d never thought I’d have to grapple with start choking me up….xxxxxx, me? How and why? More importantly, What’s gona happen? Such a heavy punishment for an untimed sin?

One question stands still in my mind despite the great myriad of disparate thought that rush to be put forth, if onlyyyyy one question was all I could ask. WHY ME ? WHAT FOR?....

Being one to pour buckets out every time something similar occurs, the stance this time shocks me. Self-consoling or lingering hope, the latter too which is decaying faster than any radioactive substance known to men..but all resistance ends in good time and the truth manifests itself in the weakest most vulnerable moments.

“If it doesn’t break you, it makes you stronger,” very often we hear, but what happens if the painful memory has more than just an emotional manifestation, physical traces are less easily erased or forgotten. Time too has a way of leaving permanent traces… which some don’t survive !!!

One part of me wonders about the evil that surrounds humanity and another part contemplates on the possibility of harm and helplessness …where do I go what do I do ????? Where’s salvation and saving grace for my soul…one that’s dead and numb????? I live in bubbles and swim in fear, breathe with hope and sleep with tears…one word is all I plead for, very careful about my selection of words and regretting none that I have chosen.

One word is all I plead to hear….too much to ask???

Fall

21st October 2003
9.16 pm

FALL

Every step I take, I fall down down down.
And I pick myself up just to kiss the ground.
My knee’s bleeding.
Heart’s heaving.
Broke a tooth. Lost my crown.
As I bend down to do my laces, a crystal teardrop wets the ground.
Hurts more to know, I was never wanted ,as much as I wanted.
Never needed me when all I was breathing, was you.
That I’d be a distant memory in a fortnight, if I were to vanish now.
And in silence we wave our last goodbyes.
And walk the walk of gloom, of prickly blooms and uncolorful doom.

Shaleni Nedumaran